Minddoctor's Blog

Mother as Coach…

Friendofthemind — Sun, 08 May 2011 23:03:23 +0000

As our children get older they need a new type of mothering I call coaching; facilitating independence, guiding them towards solving their own problems, helping them to find ways to regulate their emotions; these are all part of the tasks of mother as coach. Helping our children to learn self control by being an excellent example is also a lofty goal and important aspect of mother as coach. Once kids leave the family and are off to college, wow…it is so much their ability to cope with daily life that determines whether they are successful away from home. Knowing how to manage one’s time, regulate emotions, deal with social situations, make decisions, speak to professors and peers, deal with dissapointments; these are the areas that most young adults don’t know enough about. On this special day when we honor our mothers, and ourselves as mothers; let us think about mothering the tween and teen in a new way; as a coach/facilitator guiding our growing young ones towards resilience, independence and self sufficiency in the not too distant future.

Mindful Intensity…being mindful of your intensity puts the control in your hands allowing you to modulate how, when, where and why you bring this quality forth in any situation. The power of your intensity is in your hands so to speak.

Friendofthemind — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 15:30:00 +0000

Mindful Intensity

Belinda Seiger, PhD, LCSW

If you are a person who has heard statements like, “you’re just too much,” “you think too much,” or “you’re too sensitive,” your whole life, this article is for you. Perhaps you perceived such comments as indicators that something was wrong with you, or you weren’t even sure why people were saying these things to you. Well, take heart, you are not alone! It was only recently, that I myself, a therapist specializing in working with gifted, creative and highly capable people had a humorous and enlightening experience of my own. I was having breakfast with a relatively new friend who is the mother of a highly gifted child; she herself obviously has a great mind. She is the kind of person who, when presented with a question or problem to solve, will embark upon finding an answer with immense gusto and fervor, generating such a multitude of possible solutions and resources within a 24 hour period, that it appears that she has been thinking about the issue over many months. She is incredibly knowledgeable and synthesizes immense amounts and types of information very rapidly. During our conversation, I reflected on these abilities to her and described her as an “intense” person, and she was surprised. I was surprised that she was surprised, since it seemed so obvious to me. We were with another friend who has known me for about fifteen years and, much to my surprise, he said to me, “you know, you’re very intense too.” “What do you mean,” I asked him, genuinely confused. “What do I mean?” He repeated and laughed, obviously assuming I was joking. I really had no idea what he was referring to and had never thought of myself in this way.

I am sharing this experience as I realized that people who are intense often have no idea that they are that way, and they frequently do not realize that others perceive them in this way, or the impact of this intensity on their interactions. I had no idea that I was “obviously intense,” until my friend reflected this back to me. Could that be what others had referred to as “relentless,” or “highly enthusiastic,” or “very aware and perceptive?” As I thought about it, I became aware of the many synonymous descriptions that I had heard throughout my life from employers, friends and others, all pointing to my intensity. Well, in my customarily intense way, I began thinking about the various meanings of “intense,” and the many responses I had experienced from other people. I couldn’t help but wonder how my “intensity” had been experienced in job interviews, relationships, with health care providers, with clients, with colleagues, friends and with family members over the years. I knew that I personally enjoyed being around intense people, even though there might be moments when I might experience their intensity as overwhelming or exhausting. Wow, I had never really thought of myself in that way although I was aware that I was a passionate and enthusiastic person.

To understand the intensity of highly sensitive, highly intelligent capable people, we can reference the work of psychologist, Kazimierz Dabrowski, (1902-1980,) who coined the terminology “overexcitabilities,” when referring to the heightened sensitivities and reactions of highly intelligent, sensitive individuals. As per his definition, “Overexcitabilities (OEs) are inborn, heightened abilities to receive and respond to stimuli. They are expressed in increased sensitivity, awareness, and intensity. Each form of overexcitability points to a higher than average sensitivity of its receptors. (Dabrowski, 1964, p.7) The presence of overexcitabilities (OE) results in a real difference in the fabric of life and quality of experience for overexcitable people and those around them.

Dabrowski identified five areas of OEs-Psychomotor, Sensual, Intellectual,

Imaginational, and Emotional. OEs then, are not only an integral part of one’s personality, they also help to shape a person’s view of and reaction to the world. Dabrowski said “One who manifests several forms of overexcitability, sees reality in a different, stronger and more multisided manner” (Dabrowski, 1972, p. 7). Experiencing the world in this unique way carries with it great joys and sometimes great frustrations. The joys and positives of being overexcitable need to be celebrated. Any frustrations or negatives can be positively dealt with and used to help facilitate the…individual’s growth.

I often wonder about the nature of high intelligence, sensitivity and intensity; thinking of them as co-occurring. Gifted advocate and educational pioneer, Annemarie Roeper may have defined it best when she defined “high ability” as: “A greater degree of awareness and sensitivity and a greater ability to understand and transform perceptions into intellectual and emotional experiences.” This tendency may lead to a certain amount of intensity especially when paired with the persistence, perfectionism and insatiable curiosity often seen in highly intelligent individuals. What a combination of traits!

Many of my clients became aware that they often lacked awareness of the effects of their intensity on other people, including on their own children and spouse. Since most highly intelligent, creative people do not go around thinking of themselves as intense adults, they may not have attributed other people’s reactions to this trait. Owning one’s own intensity may also mean owning one’s own giftedness as well. With such awareness comes the responsibility to examine the impact of one’s own sensitivities, gifts and intensities on other people. This self-exploration often allows people to develop the mindfulness and the intentional awareness to begin to take ownership of their own intensity/OEs, depending on who they are communicating with and the situation. People have different tolerance levels for intense people and there are many who find them annoying, “know-it-alls,” or “just too much.” Others fully enjoy the experience of such enthusiastic, creative and emotional people and seek them out as reflection of themselves.

Developing greater control of the “volume of intensity” may lead to more relaxed or responsive interactions with friends, family and colleagues. This modulation of intensity can be relatively simple and may include; speaking more slowly, focusing on one topic at a time, not overwhelming listeners with too much information and attending to listener’s body language for clues of their reactions. Such mindfulness regarding one’s own intensity frequently leads to an enhanced sense of competence and mastery over what may have been a previously little known aspect of oneself. This in turn leads to enhanced social interactions and satisfaction as well.

The Most Overqualified Unemployed Person

Friendofthemind — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 23:29:49 +0000

Author’s experience of being told that she is overqualified for many jobs, while she remains unemployed…

The Most Overqualified Unemployed Person

Friendofthemind — Thu, 10 Feb 2011 17:04:42 +0000

What’s it like to have spent more than 22 years pursuing a targeted education and working for highly regarded organizations, only to find yourself leaving interview after interview having been thanked and told that you are “overqualified?” Well, for me at least, its been an eye-opening, albeit, frusting experience. The irony is that as “overqualified” as your potential employer thinks you are, you are still under or un-employed. I leave the interview with a very odd feeling. My qualifications have been acknowledged, but nevertheless, I have been rejected. Finally, after hearing this more than six times, I realized that the term “overqualified” is probably code for a variety of assumptions and biases on the part of the interviewer. These include: “you cost more than we can or want to pay,” “you may want my job or someone else’s above you,”something is wrong with you that you want this job,” “you’ll leave as soon as you get something better.” I can now guess when one of these or other assumptions are being made as soon as the interview begins, if I hear: “wow, I see that you have done so much…,” ”you are very accomplished,” or “let me start by telling you that this job only pays…” and my favorite is “so tell me, why would you want this job with all that you have done…” Hmmm, well, I need an income and this job fits my needs, career goals, multi-tasking life as a mother, psychotherapist and writer…. none of that is said out loud of course; but if I went to the trouble of applying for the position, I obviously want it for some compelling reason.

One of the most revealing interviews I had recently brought home that perhaps experience isn’t always a good thing in a job search. I was asked to give a chronological synopsis of my curriculum vitae; as I was proceeding, one of the interviewers stopped me and asked how I had accomplished all of this since graduating in 2001. There was a moment of confusion when we all realized that the interviewers were both holding the resume of someone whose name was very similar to mine but who had 15 years less experience. The main interviewer quickly located my c.v. and the interview proceeded as the job was described. I knew that my experience would be a great fit for the position, but they had clearly thought they were interviewing someone with much less experience than I had and they had been happy to do so. In the end, we all shook hands and smiled. As I was leaving I imagined that they were calling the other young woman to set up her interview….

I don’t believe that the problem is that the jobs I have applied for are so much below my skill level. Rather, it is that in my profession there are really three tracks that a professional with over 20 years pursues; the academic, the administrative or private practice. I have done all of the above and still do on a part-time basis. Yet, I am not seeking to become an administrator as that is not my interest or forte. Meanwhile, academic doors are often closed to me beyond being an adjunct as I have not published enough for many top tier university positions. Of course it’s the old Catch 22, in order to publish, I need to be connected to a university to receive grants for same, but I need to get hired first. I also greatly enjoy being in private practice, but also need the stimulation and growth that comes from exchanging cutting edge ideas with colleagues; including those with more knowledge that I have. So, I am continuing my job search until my accomplishments are welcomed. Until then, I remain, “the Most Overqualified Unemployed Person.”

Belinda Seiger, PhD, LCSW

www.themomentumcenter.com

Dealing with Kid’s Stress…

Friendofthemind — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 20:14:19 +0000

It’s difficult sometimes to know what makes kids stressed out, their lives can seem so easy and carefree sometimes…but when mom and dad are dealing with financial, health or other issues, even a perceptive 3.5yr old can feel the tension. One such 3.5 year old was recently heard telling her mom, “mom, don’t get worried about dad being laid off, I’ll get a job helping you with the laundry!” All children, but especially very sensitive, precocious ones pick up on what’s going on and may internalize it and develop their own symptoms including sleep difficulties, stomach aches or other physical problems, anxiety or become more clingy or tearful when separating. It’s important to talk with kids in age appropriate language about what’s going on because their imaginations might create a far worse scenario than the real one. If dad or mom are laid off, acknowledging that there is a change going in the family while reassuring the child that the grown-ups have things under control and are taking care of the family is very reassuring and all that may be needed. Even gifted kids are still children and don’t need to know all of the details. Many families are under stress these days and dealing proactively is the best way to help kids of all ages and abilities manage their worries…

Michael Jackson’s legacy for people of high potential…

Friendofthemind — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 12:21:37 +0000

Well, as a novice techie, I have spent the good part of the last week setting up my website at http://www.themomentumcenter.com I hope all who read this will check it out and tell others. Sharing ideas is the spice of life in my opinion.

My mind is on the upcoming SENG conference, a conference that focuses on the Social and Emotional Needs of Gifted. If anyone doubts the importance of attending to those needs, take a look at the life and death of Michael Jackson; a profoundly gifted person with severe mental health issues that may have even contributed to his early demise….insomnia is a challenge for many performers and many gifted people….I hope his life story helps us to realize that the word “gifted” isn’t just some elitist term for smart, rich, white kids; but a reason to pay attention to the whole person of high potential.

Boredom Leads To…

Friendofthemind — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 00:36:29 +0000

I think a lot about boredom because of the numerous college and graduate students who have come to speak with me at college counseling centers over the years frustrated by how “boring” their classes or professors seemed. I arrived at the conclusion that the experience of not being engaged causes people a lot of anxiety, frustration and even depression. This is particularly true when they don’t understand what their brains need or think that they must just sit in class or meetings passively. Lots of young kids are diagnosed as having ADHD because they call out or talk while the teacher is talking, research has discovered that many of those kids have high intelligence and are bored and trying to engage by behaving in that manner.

Helping people learn how to observe or witness their boredom without automatically trying to escape it is a technique that often surprises people when they learn about it. They may become aware of the nuances of their boredom and how it is a trigger for other emotions; they may discover that they are able to engage in more than one activity at a time such as doodling and listening and that they actually benefit from multitasking in certain situations. Some people learn that boredom means they should change their major or their careers; other people figure out that they should start a blog…. In any case, an important lesson about the experience of boredom is that it can be viewed as a “teacher” of sorts, that perhaps your brain works differently than other brains and that you need to make accomodations to engage that brain in ways that you may not even realize yet…

Being a Gifted Adult…

Friendofthemind — Tue, 02 Jun 2009 01:58:38 +0000

I work with with some extremely intelligent people who often discover that their giftedness has several downsides; I’ve noticed that much to the surprise of many, these folks feel “stupid,” inept, suffer from social anxiety and depression. I wish parents of gifted kids could see what happens when too much emphasis is placed on achievement and not enough on learning how to cope with the social and emotional aspects of having a different kind of brain. This link is a good one to SENG (Social and Emotional Needs of Gifted.) http://www.sengifted.org/articles_adults/Nauta_GiftedAdultsInWork.shtml

First Time Blogging Therapist

Friendofthemind — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 18:22:18 +0000

Overcoming techxiety to become a blogger. Much to learn, recognizing that confidence during a learning curve is a must for success. Looking forward to sharing ideas, techniques and strategies for dealing with anxiety and managing procrastination. Lots of experience with people who think they are lazy but find out that it is really anxiety standing in their way. It’s amazing to see their relief when they learn techniques to overcome the anxiety and they move forward in their life…self knowledge is cool!